50 Practical Uses for Super Powers

Posted: March 5, 2010 in wired
Photo from Pres. Obama's former Senate websitePhoto from Pres. Obama’s former Senate website

Everyone always dreams of getting super powers and using them in the eternal fight for good (or, in some cases, fame and fortune). But what if it wasn’t about the BIG issues? What if you could just use a super power to help in day-to-day life?

Now, everyone will jump to powers such as being bullet-proof for police officers, or having water powers for fire fighters, but that’s still a bit on the heroic side. What we’re talking about is practicality! With a little Twitter crowd-sourcing, we’ve compiled a list of super powers and the day-to-day jobs they could be practically applied to. Feel free to add your own in the comments!

  1. Super Strength: Fruit Pickers – instead of relying on those tree shakers, one person should smack the ground and all the fruit comes down
  2. Super Speed: Postal Workers – Would make the daily rounds go a lot faster
  3. Weather Control: Elementary School Teachers – the ability to turn off the rain when it’s time for recess
  4. Elasticity: Plumbers – who needs a rooter device when you could just reach down a pipe and clear the clog?
  5. Phase Shifting: Electricians – nice to be able to re-wire a house without knocking a lot of holes in the walls
  6. Clairaudience/Super-hearing: Librarians – like they don’t have it already
  7. Flight: Roofers – saves a lot of time going up and down the ladder
  8. Multiplicity: Daycare Workers – when the kids start going a little crazy, there’s always someone around to help
  9. Accelerated healing: Florist – makes working with roses all day a little less intimidating
  10. Acid Generation: Blue Jeans Maker – ’cause acid wash is coming back, baby!
  11. Animal Mimicry: Zoo Keeper – for those days when the Bonobo is sick, but the crowds still want to see poo flung
  12. Echolocation: Caddie – always find your client’s golf ball no matter where it landed in the rough
  13. Invisibility: Movie Theater Usher – catching those camcorder pirate will be a piece of cake now
  14. Invulnerability: Crash Test Dummy – the job, not the band
  15. Kinetic Absorption: Football Linebackers’ Coach – they can grade tackles very subjectively
  16. Merging/Combining: Wedding Planners – the caterer and coordinator combine to become the minister
  17. Self-detonation or Explosion: Stunt Man – makes the effect budget a lot cheaper if the stun man blows up without additional pyrotechnics
  18. Sonic Scream: Quality Control in a Glass Factory – it’s not the wavelength, it’s the frequency
  19. Superhuman Breath: Barista – steam the milk with a straw
  20. X-ray Vision: TSA Employee – might make the lines move a little faster
  21. Telescopic Vision: Tornado Chaser – because the school teacher got the weather control
  22. Wallcrawling: House Painter – no more scaffolding
  23. Waterbreathing: Pool Cleaner – for that hand-washed look
  24. Astral Projection: Museum Docent – saves a lot on new shoes if you don’t actually have to walk around
  25. Empathy: DMV Employee – it could revolutionize the service
  26. Telepathy: Waiter/Waitress – Your glass of water would always be refilled… until you weren’t thirsty anymore
  27. Animation: Housecleaner – efficiency the likes of only Mickey Mouse could imagine
  28. Darkness or Shadow Manipulation: Black & White Photographer – anyone could be the next Ansel Adams
  29. Density Control: Kevin Smith – then he’d never get kicked off another Southwest flight
  30. Disintegration: Busboy – ensuring clean plates down to the molecular level
  31. Elemental Transmutation: Pawn Broker – every gold chain is 24 carat
  32. Gravity Manipulation: Personal Trainer – you’d only need a bar and one pair of dumbbells for a complete weight training facility
  33. Light Manipulation: Real Estate Agent – then every house could have “great afternoon light”
  34. Magnetism Manipulation: Supermarket Shopping Cart Wrangler – get along little doggies
  35. Mass Manipulation: Carnival Game Runner – win the “guess your weight” game every time
  36. Molecular Manipulation: Short Order Cook – make sure the plate of grits that’s been sitting waiting for 10 minutes is still hot when the waitress shows up
  37. Probability Manipulation: Dungeon Master – because you never want your players doing TOO well
  38. Radiation Manipulation: Animal Rights Activist – you could save the cat every time
  39. Time Manipulation: Tax Accountant – take on more clients and spread the work out
  40. Air and Wind Manipulation: Air Traffic Controller – constant headwinds make for quicker take-offs and landings
  41. Cold and Ice Manipulation: Bartender – no need to put ice in the shaker
  42. Earth Manipulation: Organic Farmer – watch out, Monsanto
  43. Plant Manipulation: Topiary Artist at Disneyland – talk about a dream job
  44. Electrical Manipulation: Prison Guard – keep the prisoners on their best behavior by dimming the lights, and then humming “another one bites the dust”
  45. Fire and Heat Manipulation: Furnace Repairman – “Sorry, sir, but it seems to be working fine now”
  46. Water and Moisture Manipulation: Spa Attendant – it’s a sauna, it’s a steam room, it’s a sauna, it’s a steam room
  47. Illusion: Politician – sometimes the jokes just write themselves
  48. Shapeshifting: Car Salesman – when the first guy goes to “get his manager,” can you really be sure it’s a different person?
  49. Summoning: Valet – make sure the right car shows up immediately
  50. Telekinesis: Bowling Alley Operator – just in case the pinsetter breaks down

Special thanks to the following for their suggestions: John Madden, Luke McKean, Jenny Williams, Chuck Gamble, Matt Blum, Matt Rower, Matt Middleton, D.A. Schweiss, Bactchan, Joshua Miller, Nathan Barry, floax, Lorri Miller, kpereyra (my 1st autograph!), and Jonathan Liu.

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